Saturday, July 28, 2007

If it is not my fault...then why am I suffering and he ended up with exactly what he wanted?

I am going to start by explaining briefly why I have chosen to write the following blog. I have had a very sad thing happen to a very DEAR friend of mine this month. Her story is tragic, but filled with hope and just a small example of how crazy and unfair the world can be. The world is so uncertain and can take many twists and turns that we maybe don't see or expect. Some may be small curves and some large bends. Some we may have control over and some we do not. All we can do is be the best people we can be, love with all of our hearts, trust in others, be wise, learn from our mistakes, and always - no matter what - always steer toward new experiences and greatness!

As the story goes, "she" - my friend - called me one night last week to say that her husband was leaving her. Was she surprised? No...she had known this was coming for over a year. She even knew the other woman's name. The affair was well hidden at first and then the charade became sloppy. Hints of the infidelity were everywhere. Poorly hidden in the receipts that she would find in his pockets, in the phone bills that they received, in the number of nights he was away from home, in everything that he did there was a hint of his crime. And at some point it all became so obvious - as if they were saying to her "we want you to find out".

Finally, after over a year...the affair became so blatantly obvious that she had to "catch" him in the act and bring it all out into the open.

So back to the phone call....of course I am immediately filled with a million questions for my dear friend as she breaks this terrible news to me. But I stay quiet and reserve my comments as I think quickly - my mind racing...I don't want to ask the "wrong" things. She is already crying and obviously beside herself with grief. I want to be a supportive friend, but I also want to know why she would let this man cheat on her for over a year - in full knowledge of what was going on - with a 3 year old son...and do nothing until now? And I want to tell her what a terrible JERK he is - and truly - I want to say it over and over and over again! I want to tell her how much I hate a man that would do something like this to his family! And I want to tell her how wonderful she is and that this is not her fault!

I was filled with such fear for her stability and her need to hear the right advice and to feel loved and supported at this terrible time in her life. So instead of talking I decided to just sit and listen. And while she talked, if a question was asked of me...I realized that if I didn't answer or give a response right away - that was ok...she would just keep on talking...talking for over 2 hours...and then after all of that time - I had enough information to put the pieces together in my head and to make sense of this whole terrible fiasco.

It was now clear to me "why". My friend was in love. She knew at some point about a year and a half ago that she was "losing" her love. She could feel it in the way he hugged her and in the attention that was lacking her. She could tell by the trends in their private life and in the way that he was pulling away little by little from their son. She tried everything she could think of to make him love her back the same way that she loved him. Everything including turning the other way when she saw all the signs of an affair blossoming on the outskirts of her family.

Why - well...she was in love with all of her heart? She blamed herself for his loss in interest and she blamed herself for not being the kind of person that her husband wanted to spend his whole life with. She lay in bed every night for the last year and a half praying that he would end his relationship with the other woman and love only her and her son.

One week ago - after all of the self doubt and nights of feeling less than a woman...she hears him speaking to a woman on the phone outside of their home at 1am. She wakes up and hears her own husband out on the deck talking to this person. She has heard it before, but this time around she hears them speak of a text messages that they had been sending back and forth that night. So after he goes to bed...she checks his phone and sure enough - not even an attempt to erase them - there are racy text messages between the two lovers. Her husband and the other woman.

She laid in bed that night knowing that everything would change for her if she confronted him? Her family would be torn apart. Her son would be devastated? She would have to leave him and start a life on her own as a single parent? But if she stayed with him she would continue to live this lie. A lie that beat her down and made her feel a sense of worthlessness every day of her life. A feelings that has become a part of who she is and a major part of her depression and anxiety. Can she be a good mother when she herself is so unhappy? But can she be a good mother on her own? The questions haunted her until early in the morning.

He is in the bathroom - getting a shower and she knows that this is her opportunity to change the course of her life. She loves him, and she loves the idea of her family staying together, but it is not real. He is not in love with her and she has no family if HE has no loyalty to she and her son! It was time for the charade to end. So while their son slept - she confronted him.

And he said nothing but "I am so sorry." With that, he packs up his things and heads to his car and leaves. This was the last she and her son have seen of their husband and daddy. He has been in touch via phone to talk about custody of their little man. But that's it - it is over. Done.

While I can only give a little detail in this blog, I have to say that my friend is one of those true - great people that gives more than she will ever take and who loves unconditionally. Never a moment in our 16 years of friendship that i have ever doubted her character. She is a super mom and an inspiration for the good she does in this world. After two hours of talking and sorting her thoughts out loud on the phone I said to her - "This is NOT your fault"...and she said...."Oh Renee, then why am I suffering and he ended up with exactly what he wanted?" Aghh....I could feel my throat fill up and it was hard to I wiped away the tears and tried to stay strong for my friend I could do nothing but admit to her that I just did not know what to say? It is all so unfair...yet the only choice for her is to move forward and to search for some good in her life - something that makes all that she has and will go through worth it.

In the end...she WILL come out ahead after she has shed herself of this year and a half long burden. She will start a full time job next week after being 3.5 years - a stay at home mom. She will move into her rental unit in two weeks with her son and begin a life as a single mother with a dad that has custody every other weekend (for now).

For all of you reading this blog - please pray for my friend, that she may find the strength to move forward despite her hurdle...that she will find a way to be the inspiration in her child's life that will make his world a spectacular place. And please pray that she finds a way to believe in herself again and to trust in people again and to find her way to a better place for both she and her baby! And also, please take a moment to be thankful for all of the good in your world and for the family around you!

And for my friend - I know the world has great things in store for my dear! You have loved with your whole heart and you can never be wrong in that! The future possibilities are endless and exciting for you because you are able to love so strong and so pure! Your story is unfair and tragic and I know you want to tell the whole world what this bad person did to you! I only hope my blog helps you to see that - by all world standards - the blow you have been dealt SUCKS! But in the end this tragedy till take you closer to where you are meant to be in this world and I believe that with my whole heart.

Never lose faith girl - you and your baby need you to stay strong and focused! I know this path is scary, but it is filled with hope and support and new doors that will open to you. In many ways your burden is shed and you will be able to love yourself again for all the good that you are to so many people!! I'll pray for you and love you through it all and no matter what - I will always be here to listen!


Erica said...

Wow...what a story. The saddest part is that it is not a story, but the life of so many women and men. I will pray for healing for everyone, especially your friend and her son. The Lord works the hardest when we are at our lowest. May God work a miracle in this family's life. You know I believe it happens! For any that doubt, please go back to EmmaKate's blog! Without sounding condescending and non empathetic, I am praying for a miracle. Love to all!

dandsratz said...

I'm speechless, no doubt. But, my most sincere & heart felt prayers to this amazing woman and her precious little boy. May the Lord bless her and truly carry her down this new road.

oofie goofie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, her son and the many people this will affect. I've been through the same thing with 2 of my friends. Both of their husbands chose the "other woman", realized what a mistake they had made, went home and begged for forgiveness. Both of my friends were gracious! and both marriages have survived (one happened 6 years ago, the other 2years). I know that this is rare! Your friend must be in agony. If she will trust in Jesus, it will still be hard, but He'll carry her through. I'll be praying!