I was on my way to Washington DC this past weekend and a song came on the radio that I had not heard in so many years. It brought back memories - of the good and the bad variety - that I really had not thought about in so long. I remember hearing this song about 12 years ago just after a "low" time in my life. And for whatever reason - maybe this song is that good (probably not :)), or maybe I just heard it on a day that I needed a little encouragement...but it really helped me to see my situation differently back then. So when I heard it again - I came right home and found it for my blog so that I could share it with all of you. Guess it is playing right now! Or at least I hope I was able to make it work!! :)
To better explain my rambling: When I was in my early 20's I had a long time relationship with who I thought at the time was the perfect person for me - the love of my life - the person that I needed more than I needed my own breath. I prayed to God to give me a life with this person and to help this person to see that "I" was the one for him. I prayed to make me a better person. The kind of person that this man would love for all time. And in the end. It was not to be. I left my home in Pennsylvania with a broken heart and broken faith. While it may seem trite now - I felt that the life I wanted and prayed so hard for was denyed me. I was just sad and lonely...and as I drove my Ryder truck with my little car twoed on the back and my can meowing in the seat beside me - I was hoping for a new life here in Hampton roads...I better life...but I truly didn't believe I would find any such thing.
And here I am. 37 years old. With the most wonderful life, children I could not have even dreamed possible, and a husband that I count my lucky stars for. I thank God that my prayers were not answered some 12 years ago and I thank God for knowing better than me, what my real purpose was.
As crazy as it seems that such a young love gone bad could change my way of thinking about all that I am - it is true. I knew the day that we got married - that I was in the "right" place. I had no nerves, no second thoughts, no doubts? I had expected those feelings and was ready to combat them...but NOTHING. I just felt at peace up on that altar. And I as I sat in the car last weekend listening to that song - I realized just how much more at peace I get each year that passes. How much stronger my heart becomes with love for the family that we have created....and I could also no help but feel kind of sad that I had doubted.
I have learned a ton in this life of mine and will continue to do much more of the same! But I do promise this....To always remember that I am not in charge and that I will live in the faith that there is a plan for me and that I needed to let go and follow it. Blindly at time, and at times feeling in full control, but knowing through it all that I am carrying out a plan. Maybe not a plan that is set in stone or unable to change...but a general plan of who, what and how I need to be.
I pray for health and peace and for all those in need of strength. I pray for my kids and for my husband...but I don't pray for me. I have been given all that I need - I just remember...on the days that test me to the core...to use it. I won't ask for anything, but I will fight to move in the direction that I believe I am supposed to go in.
So today - it is valentine’s day and it is a day of love and celebrating all that is in your heart. And my heart is so full, and so blessed with the love of my husband, my children and all of my family and friends. Thank you God for not answering my silly prayers and for teaching me that some of your greatest gifts are things that we didn't even know or think that we wanted. The things that we didn't even know were possible. I just need to be strong and search for my way - my plan.