Well...that time again. Time for Daddy to go on Patrol and for the other 5 Mongolds to survive the summer without him! I am sure that we will do a bang up job. I know we will have a great summer......So much to do and so many people to see! And honestly, that thought is truly what is keeping me positive today!
As usual.....Daddy has to leave earlier than expected....so I have a birthday party today with 15 little people to do and that makes me nervous. The computer has a virus and so I need to find someone to fix it....that makes me nervous, as the computer is Steves area of expertise!
I need to install the bike rack on my car that was ordered but didn't show up in time...and that makes me nervous. Again with Steve's area of expertise! Cali's rip cord in the back yard will most certainly break the moment Steve's boat pulls out...and that makes me nervous...I have never been able to fix it myself. Ben's bike chain broke last night and I don't know how to fix that? Tried for an hour...looked like I worked for 3 days with all the grease all over me...thought I had it fixed...and two feet from the end of the driveway...it broke again? Now I am nervous about that bike and don't even want to take it with me anywhere....so why do I even need the bike rack right?
I'm planning greater than 50 hours in the car with 4 kids and one that has never driven farther than Jacksonville (30miles away)....and that didn't go so well!! So that makes me nervous! The kids are very sad about daddy leaving and I need to make sure they have a super summer despite their heavy hearts right now...and that makes me nervous.
The week before Steve goes....my Mode of Operation is "nervous". "Scared". "Sad". "Alone". This happens each time he goes. It NEVER gets any easier. I swear I get so afraid that I forget that I will miss him. The anxiety is high and tears are quick to come at any moment....for no reason...or all of the above reasons. At any rate...random. My mood is random...my thoughts are scattered.....and I live this way for up to 10 days before Steve's exit from the Mongold house.
And then phase two of this evil cycle.....The first week is darn hard for me....and I cry each night when the kids go to bed. Wondering if I did a good job at being the only parent that day? Wondering if the kids are happy? Did I get it all done? What will come up tomorrow that I can't handle? These thoughts plague me until I fall asleep. ON a good day...that happens quickly and puts me out of my misery in short order! ON a bad day...I see 2am....3am.....4am......snooze........
And then begins week two? Phase three is finally here! The sky seems brighter....the tears are not at the back of my throat anymore. The empowerment starts...super woman starts to emerge....I no longer think about what might be...and I concentrate on what is. I start to miss Steve's company. The fear leaves me. My MO is fun and I get an energetic drive to make each say special. And then we are truly.....100%.....in all ways....OK!
Now I ask this? Was I always ok? If all is well that ends well...then why don't I start out OK? When I truly do know that I will be ok in time? Why do I have to go through the hopeless phase one and phase two of this crazy cycle?
Who the hell knows! I ask myself every time! I try the mind over matter and I try to talk myself into being OK right from the start! I say the right things and I try to suppress the anxiety and sadness....but no matter what I do.....this is how it plays!
This is "how I roll" - right Shane!!??
So for now....unfortunately for me.....I am writing this blog with a lump in my throat and anxiety is throughout me. I hope that writing this to you all is one way to help get it out. Shorten phase two.....your ears/eyes have helped me to sort things out in the past and so I will dump my emotions on you to get them out of me!! :) Wish me luck....and I'll talk to you in part three of my journey! I promise I'll be back to normal then! And it is because of all of you that I will get there!! More blogs on the flip side when the sun comes out again!! Won't take long....good times...here I come!! :)