Some days I wonder? Why did all 13 kids on the block get on that school bus today...but my child was laying on the ground crying...as I threatened to pick him up and carry him on if he did not stand up and walk? Why did all of those children have the ability to walk forward - despite the nerves that they all had inside....and why does fear paralyze my poor Ben.
Funny note...I posted on face book that Ben had a hard time getting on the bus this morning and I had many encouraging comments and wishes of luck and love sent my way! But at least 5 people - who are not in our present bubble of life - friends from college days and what not - told me that "Kindergarten can be hard for many children...just be positive...it will all work out in time?
Well...I understand what they are saying....Kindergarten CAN be hard and scary? But BEN IS GOING INTO THE THIRD GRADE!! And what is more...we go through this ever year for school, every baseball season....every birthday party where we don't know the people that well....etc. etc.
The one thing I will say, is that it would be easier to just drive him to school and walk him in. Or to let him just forgo sports and parties. But I do not! Because I KNOW in my heart that this anxiety...leads to growth...and growth leads to a day where he can conquer his fears...or at least manage them.
He said no to baseball and so I took him kicking and screaming each year for three years...and now he is an avid player and can't wait for the game to start!! The teacher he cried for last year - for two weeks - ended up being his favorite teacher of all time and he met two of his best buddies in that class! He cried through the first year of scouts...and now he wants to go door to door and sell popcorn IMMEDIATELY so that he can earn his patch and he is already talking about the October camp out!
I know I need to push. Some days...the days we all have...when we search a bit harder for our purpose on this earth...our reason to push on....I think: Ben is here to do something very special....his big brain and his sensitive heart are going to make the world a better place one day. And I was put here to stretch him...push him...and love him no matter what the day brings!
I accept this job...and I love that BEN - so much that i swear it hurts my heart worse than his when he has to get on the school bus with tears streaming down his face! I love him...and I will push him...with love...and with strength!
I am sure when I stated sternly this morning, 'Get on that bus or I will carry you on there over my shoulder in front of all these people,"....that some adults may have found me harsh or callus or even thought that my attitude towards him was part of his problem. And there is nothing you can do when you have a Ben...but allow for criticism...and skepticism. All you can do is know in your heart...who your child is...and what you need to do for him or her to get them down the road of life in the best and most successful way that you can!
I love you Ben. I hate being hard or mean...and I melt when you cry! But your big brain and soft heart will take you great places. Won't be easy being a kids....but you won't be a kid for long. Much to my dismay I might add! I'm here for you through thick and thin......and I'll help you to get where you need to go! That is a mom's promise! Once we all give to our dear babies!! :)
To anyone that has a child that needs that extra...that needs more than extra some days - join me in frustration and commitment! Together...they..we can do anything!!
SIDE NOTE: Kyle got on the bust this morning....looking scared to death...and looking so sad for his brother. Be he got on there. He knew that I needed to tend to Ben and to push Ben. He knew it was his time to be a big boy and just go forward! So proud of you Kyle!! You are my rock star!